That Awkward Moment When

backleftlitz:

That awkward moment when you have to explain to your sister that her suspiciously-accented husband (“In Texas, born and breeded, as if in a barn of footballs!” he always said, defensively) only married her to steal your famous rhubarb pie recipe for the Russians.

That awkward moment when two people are having sex in their bedroom and you’re just waiting there in the closet, neither seen nor heard, just like stepdad always wanted.

That awkward moment when your phone autocorrects “I had fun” to “I had gun” and you remember that you’re a ghost who died a long, long time ago.

That awkward moment when you’re in an elevator and challenge someone smaller than you to a fight, before realizing that he’s your parole officer, and that you’re not wearing your boxing gloves.

That awkward moment when you run into your ex-boyfriend at the supermarket and say “oh, hey, what are you doing here?” and he says “oh, I’m sorry, we break up and suddenly I’m not allowed to go to my favorite supermarket? Jesus, it’s FIVE FUCKING MINUTES from my apartment, Carrol, what do you expect me to do, drive all the hell over to Freeport to buy my groceries? BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT CARROL. I’M A FREE MAN NOW. I’VE BEEN FUCKING LIKE A MANIAC EVERY GODDAMNED NIGHT SINCE YOU WALKED OUT THE DOOR” and you say “Stephen, be reasonable, that’s not what I meant, you’re making a scene” and he says “I am NOT making a scene! THAT GUY’S making a scene!” and he gestures towards this old man by the produce aisle weighing tomatoes and just in no way making a scene, and you say “well it was nice to see you, anyway” and start walking away as the manager drags him out of the supermarket.

That awkward moment when you run into a woman you haven’t seen in years and say “aw, is it a boy or a girl? Or do you not want to know” and they seem really insulted and say “um, neither? Because I’m giving birth to SATAN 2!”